Wednesday, July 7, 2010

485: becoming private


Above, those are my parents, and that's my me in my father's lap. The other two are cousins from my mother's side of the family. My mother is younger than I am in this photograph, as is my father; I love how radiantly happy they look.

While I was away in Michigan, I began to work with a template on a new look for my official webpage, one that I could update, instead of asking Ryan to add something every time a poem got accepted. What makes me sad about this independence was how much of a gift it was to have Ryan maintain something for me, something that said yes, I know that writing is more than a hobby for you, and I love you so much that I will use my own more-than-a-hobby programming abilities to make something for you. He is still willing, of course, but somehow, things have become more urgent and important to me to make certain I am updated and existing a little bit differently on the web.

Which led me to my debate, the one I carried in my pocket for the long weekend: I want to be a bit more private in this strange open space. I have had some moderate success with publishing individual poems from my chapbook, and while the book isn't getting published just yet, it's had some positive feedback--runner-up, a note from an editor telling me it would find a home one day. And while a chapbook calls very little attention to the writer or to the work itself, I still have begun to realize a bit more fully that if I am to one day have a presence professionally, as a poet, a reviewer, a photographer, and interviewer, a scholar, a college instructor, I might be best off pulling the shades in some places.

The blog where I kept track of my infertility journey, where I now write about the woes of pregnancy (it's getting better!), where I will eventually write about parenting and show images of my child on a regular basis has already gone private. Roots + wings won't change in any way, but it seemed best to keep this experience protected, so I've invited a string of friends and family to follow along, if they so desire, and if I have forgotten to send you an email, or it's confusing to join, please let me know, and I'll try to do something about it.

Eventually, I think this place will go private too: it's dedicated to my everyday life, and while I don't want to quit either blog, I think it's also like those living room curtains at night--it's time to draw them in. It will take a little longer, I think, to get ready to do that, mainly because I don't want to exclude any readers who I might not know from the "real world," but through words and images and encouragement and all else, are just as good company as those I might be able to coffee with. Not that I can drink coffee just now, but figuratively.

Because it is related to the presence I do hope to maintain on the internet, that of publishing poems in online literary magazines and having a named webpage, I will keep independent study public. And I'm not sure what to do about Flickr just yet. I'm a month behind in uploading photographs anyway, so I'm not sure how concerned I am--we shall see. For now, I will keep sharing images and memories and thoughts and eventually I'll do the same, just with a very limited readership; perhaps I can let that coincide with when I change over the main webpage--it makes sense, transition-wise.

3 comments:

margosita said...

I think you're coming up a new struggle. How much of our lives are public? How much should be out there? And especially as writers, who walk an interesting line between public and private, a line that isn't straight or clear, it only becomes harder.

I hope you don't disappear completely, as I love reading and following along. But taking a step back is never a bad plan, even if over time you change your mind or find that you step forward again.

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my mind wanders said...

I've never left a comment before, but I just want to thank you for this blog -whether you decide to stay public or go private. I have enjoyed every Sunday keeping up with my "favorites" and you are one of them. :-) I wish you all the best with all that you have in store and the many changes that are coming your way. Take care of yourself, I'm glad things are getting better!