Saturday, July 25, 2009

314


July has been a ridiculous month for me, one that has driven me right into The Funk, a feeling where I am pretty sure I'm underwater and the rest of the world is merrily skipping by. I've spent afternoons obsessing over my newfound drive to conquer PCOS, (oh, and I tell you, what with changing my diet and joining the YMCA, my body is slowly responding): new medications have left me curled on the floor like a whimpering, ridiculous child, and my husband, chopping carrots in the kitchen, reminding me, "It won't always be this bad." Yes, my body can acclimate. And yes, my body has been tortured a bit this month of July, and I now think the pill-a-day organizer Ryan joked about before is something to invest in seriously, and I'm not even thirty yet, but I have a distinct, comforting order to the pills I take each day: the fattest one (fish oil) first down to the itty bitty prescriptions.

I know it's not the changes that have brought my emotions swinging low, but the way I obsess over them. I am at my worst when I am wasting time. And I tell you, internet, curses, curses, you suck me in! And I happily, obliviously allow for that.

That, and my days and nights are getting hopelessly mixed up.

I need structure. I once said, when Ryan and I have children, that I'd like to be a stay-at-home-mother. I admire that position--the one that dedicates self to home and the early education of offspring. (OK, and maybe half that reason was the fantasy that I could be a stay-at-home-writer.) Ryan always shrugged and said I probably should get a job. It's not because of finances entirely, we can adapt, but that he doesn't want to come home to me as a wide-eyed, stripped down self, me in desperation for adult conversation and stimulation. The job would provide an outside conversation, and given how much time I've sullied in the summer, I know it's true. I'm better when spare time is precious, not overabundant and rotting.

Now I look forward to:
- an approaching weekend trip to Austin to visit my little sister
- the two weeks in Vermont for Bread Loaf
- SCHOOL. I can't tell you how much I miss it, how ridiculously long summer is, and how my reading list has stagnated. That, my friends, is going to change. After all, there is one month left.

Also: I found this entertaining collection of workshop comments via this blog. Thanks, Margosita!

3 comments:

margosita said...

I'm looking forward to hearing about Bread Loaf! Photos! Anecdotes! What it is like to be near so many fabulous writers! :)

Meryl said...

Molly you're the most ridiculously productive person I know! Give yourself a break, that's what summer's for! :)

However, I can sympathize with your need for outside conversation... I cherish my alone-time and quiet moments, but have learned the hard way that too much is a BAD thing.

Call if you'd like to get together, I'm around!

Rachel said...

I, like you, require structure and routine to be productive. Of course, my job allows no structure whatsoever! So I feel your pain. I hope that you come out of 'the funk' soon and that the changes you are making start to make you feel better!