July has been a ridiculous month for me, one that has driven me right into The Funk, a feeling where I am pretty sure I'm underwater and the rest of the world is merrily skipping by. I've spent afternoons obsessing over my newfound drive to conquer PCOS, (oh, and I tell you, what with changing my diet and joining the YMCA, my body is slowly responding): new medications have left me curled on the floor like a whimpering, ridiculous child, and my husband, chopping carrots in the kitchen, reminding me, "It won't always be this bad." Yes, my body can acclimate. And yes, my body has been tortured a bit this month of July, and I now think the pill-a-day organizer Ryan joked about before is something to invest in seriously, and I'm not even thirty yet, but I have a distinct, comforting order to the pills I take each day: the fattest one (fish oil) first down to the itty bitty prescriptions.
I know it's not the changes that have brought my emotions swinging low, but the way I obsess over them. I am at my worst when I am wasting time. And I tell you, internet, curses, curses, you suck me in! And I happily, obliviously allow for that.
That, and my days and nights are getting hopelessly mixed up.
I need structure. I once said, when Ryan and I have children, that I'd like to be a stay-at-home-mother. I admire that position--the one that dedicates self to home and the early education of offspring. (OK, and maybe half that reason was the fantasy that I could be a stay-at-home-writer.) Ryan always shrugged and said I probably should get a job. It's not because of finances entirely, we can adapt, but that he doesn't want to come home to me as a wide-eyed, stripped down self, me in desperation for adult conversation and stimulation. The job would provide an outside conversation, and given how much time I've sullied in the summer, I know it's true. I'm better when spare time is precious, not overabundant and rotting.
Now I look forward to:
- an approaching weekend trip to Austin to visit my little sister
- the two weeks in Vermont for Bread Loaf
- SCHOOL. I can't tell you how much I miss it, how ridiculously long summer is, and how my reading list has stagnated. That, my friends, is going to change. After all, there is one month left.
Also: I found this entertaining collection of workshop comments via this blog. Thanks, Margosita!
3 comments:
I'm looking forward to hearing about Bread Loaf! Photos! Anecdotes! What it is like to be near so many fabulous writers! :)
Molly you're the most ridiculously productive person I know! Give yourself a break, that's what summer's for! :)
However, I can sympathize with your need for outside conversation... I cherish my alone-time and quiet moments, but have learned the hard way that too much is a BAD thing.
Call if you'd like to get together, I'm around!
I, like you, require structure and routine to be productive. Of course, my job allows no structure whatsoever! So I feel your pain. I hope that you come out of 'the funk' soon and that the changes you are making start to make you feel better!
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